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Monday, October 28th, 2002
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It's Monday morning and I can honestly say that this is the sickest I have felt in the morning...Not even when I was prego with Molly did I feel like this. Let's just say that I went on a cerstain message board and literally wanted to kick the shit out of someone that is sooo full of themselves. That person has done a friggin great job drawing attention to themselves and what amazes me is that the boards are literred with all of her/his disciples. BRAVO!!! Umm, do me a favor and gag me with a fork, will you? The whole world does not revolve around you, get over yourself and move on...Not everyone is as crazy about you as they think... little do they know that there is a mass of other ppl that stopped posting bec there is this whole clique of ppl that has taken over the boards. Gee, and I thought message boards were for everyone.. not for a clan of followers drooling over one specific person. OH GAWD. I think I shall be taking a long ass break from the boards til these fuggers die off like dead flies on a screen door...The boards have turned to shit.
The veterans of that place are still very cool...err.. with the exception of one P A N S Y. Not gonna say who, but for those of you that agree with me know who the hell I am talking about.
Okay...I think I should go before I throw up all the way to the other side of the world where that person is...BLLLLEEECCCCKKKKK..Oops too late. Oh, I hope they felt that one and hopefully they reek of my vomit all day, that would satify me very much, thank you... =0)
I can't belive this one person has managed to piss me off all this time. Fuckin shit! Someone hang me now, better yet, just throw that person in a pool of sewage water and watch them drown for me.
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Friday, October 25th, 2002
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This is the first time I have done something like this so pardon my lame answers:
Friday Five!
1. What is your favorite scary movie?
Did I tell you that am the biggest wuss when it comes to scary movies?? So i really wouldn't have a favorite. I did initially think that Blair Witch Project was pretty freaky, I went into the movie after being told by my friends that it was real! I couldn't sleep for days. That movie really messed with my head.
2. What is your favorite Halloween treat?
Hmm.. I usually pick out all the chocolates, and munch on those...yummmm...
3. Do you dress up for Halloween? If so, describe your best Halloween costume.
The last I dressed up for Halloween was 5 yrs ago, too embarassed to mention what I was dressed as...Not planning to dress up anymore, ever...
4. Do you enjoy going to haunted houses or other spooky events?
No, I try to steer clear of them.Like I said, I am a big chicken,
5. Will you dress up for Halloween this year?
I thought I already said NO and not ever again...
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| Time: | 12:32 am. |
| Mood: |  listless. |
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I just took an interesting test that I got from Rasee. I don't think that my answers add up to who I supposedly am...As usual, I suck.
1. You are attracted to those who are elegant and well-mannered.
2. In the process of courtship, the approach that would make you
feel irresistable is creative, never let you feel bored.
3. The impression you would like to give to your lover is loyal,
faithful, never change.
4. You don't like it when your partner is insecure.
5. The kind of relationship you would like to build with your
partner is one which make you feel warmth and in-love always.
6. You care about the society and morality, you won't do anything
wrong after marriage.
7. You are afraid of marriage, you think it would take away your
freedom.
8. At this moment, you are quite self-centered; you think of love as
something you can get and trash anytime you want.
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Monday, October 21st, 2002
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Man... My mind is pretty boggled right now. Maybe someone can help me on this one. My friend Ed sent me this one link and told me to figure out who sang the words to this song. I am usually pretty good at figuring stuff out when it comes to music, but I think this one stumps me. Lemme know what you think...
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Wednesday, October 16th, 2002
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Well I managed to do it. I had anticipated that somehow I was gonna blow up at someone due to be having such lack of sleep. I wrote about it on my journal thru www.jiosa.com. 3 frikkin hours! Well, just about.
I was sitting here at work joking around with a friend of mine. We went back and forth and when I finally got her with my ultimate sarcasm and made fun of her for something, she went on this kiddie little shit of calling me, Retarded. Retarded this, retarded that, blah blah. I finally walked away from her trying to control myself. I usually don't get like this, but since I must of hit some type of nerve in her, it set her off. I met up with her again in the copy room. I asked her a question and didn't think she heard me. so I asked her again. She laughed at me and told me, So what. You're retarded and you are deaf too. what the hell kind of retard farm were you bron from??" I looked her straight in the eye and told here, "W. Do me a favor and shut the hell up. You are really getting on my friggin nerves. Just shut up!" Then walked off.
I usually can take the joking back and forth, but on the day where I am especially dead tired. Also, when coming out with jokes, get off the retard thing, it really doens't get you nowhere.
So W. and I are in this weird stage where we are not mad at each other, rather we are letting each other cool off. The next time I hear that retard thing again, shit I may have to kick the shit out of her. Funny thing, she is really good friend of mine here and at this point I wanna strangle her for how annoying and childish she is acting. I don't think she has smoked enough cigarettes...Heh.
I need sleep...Badly...
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Saturday, October 12th, 2002
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I don’t know if it is just because I am tired today or if I honestly feel as depressed as I am right about now. I am to the point where I wish that I had someone that I could honestly sit here and talk to about, like what I am thinking and have been thinking since I made that last entry. I know that I could very well talk to Danny about this stuff, I mean after all, he is my husband, and he is the one that I should be able to turn to the most. In this case, I could, but it probably wouldn’t come out as well as it would when I type it out.
If I were to talk to my best friend V, she will just end up beating some common sense into me and tell me to shake it all off. Since my sis now lives with us, I have more of a chance to talk to her about stuff. I actually tried talking to her about it, and she just basically said not to even worry about it. Only if I weren’t so paranoid and worried about things, then I would be able to succeed in that. For the first time in a long time, I actually feel utterly alone. I can’t talk to anyone about this.
I feel like I did something wrong, like I just lost something that meant a lot to me. I feel like it was my fault. I think I just lost a friend, for good. I wasn’t meaning on us losing our friendship all together. That wasn’t what I meant. I wrote the last entry in my Jiosa site</A (10/10/2002) because of the fact that I felt that it was something that I needed to do, I really needed to back off, not lose a friend. I just feel like utter shit.
Why should I feel as bad as I do?? I think it has a lot to deal with the fact that the person that I am writing about had no earthly idea this was going on my end. He and I were close friends that confided in each other about lots of things in life, the good ones, the bad ones, the things that caused you to cry, the things that made you feel torn, and the things that made us laugh.. He was in a sense, my safety net and I was his. Now, it’s as if all that we went though together never even existed.
I received an email from him yesterday about how his day at work was, and how it was ridiculous that his new job still didn’t have a computer set up for him. He even mentioned the fact that it seemed like we didn’t talk for decades. Heh…he can be a dork sometimes. What did I reply with?? A totally stupid reply: “I am glad that your day at work is going smoothly. I guess you haven’t really been reading my journal lately to see what the heck has been going on. www.jiosa.com” How pleasant of me, right? Sometimes I could be such a bitch, but I didn’t mean it in that tone when I wrote it. I was just down. Now, II haven’t heard ANYTHING from him, not even a simple email telling me that he understood, some kind of reassurance that things are cool between us, something.
I know that someone from NYC visited my site the same day I sent off that email to him about my journal, so I am figuring that he did see what I wrote. Then again, Key also lives there, so it could have been her too? Either way, it is not like him to not email me back. I just hope that he is okay. I wanna call him to hear him tell me about how his week went or to at least tell me he understand, at least tell me you’re alive for goodness sake.
I feel that everything between us has just been kinda been odd. I understand that he has a job once again and that he has stuff to do, hell, I have stuff to do. I mean he even falls asleep a lot earlier than he used to and he doesn’t seem to be online anymore. Or was it me? Do I think that something else could be going on? Probably, but what I think doesn’t really matter much these days and it shouldn’t in this case.
I dunno if I could finish this, I think that my brain is hurting…BAH!
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Wednesday, October 9th, 2002
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| Time: | 3:49 pm. |
| Mood: |  anxious. |
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Good thing that I will be leaving this hell hole of a job in 30 minutos! Today has been an especially LONG LONG day and I am exhausted, to say the least.
It was very difficult for me to drive into work this morning due to the fact that I was still pretty drowsy from the heavy medication that I took at 11:30 last nite! It was the strangest feeling. It's like my body and everything was awake, but brain was still asleep. zzzzzzzz. Now I understand what they mean on those damn medication labels when they say: Do not operate heavy machinery when taking this medication. That drive to work was pretty damn scary!
So I spent a part of the day falling in and out of sleep, constantly yawning minute after minute. I really couldn't snap out of it, I even drank 3 cups of coffee and that didn't work. I just wanted to rush home and hit that bed real quick.
What's with the meds, you ask? Well apparently the mass cleaning of the house that I did this past weekend took a majorly serious toll on my busted back. I have what the docs call a herniated disc, basically 3 of the discs in my spine has hairline fractures in them. It is a total bitch to live with! The docs have told me that it happened to me due to a lot of things. #1 I have what they call a "sway back" which means my posture is overly straight, almost to the point that my back curves out #2 When I was pregnant with Molly, all that weight that I gained added a lot of pressure on my back #3 I think I am too damn heavy ass! And wearing 3" dress shoes damn near everyday doesn't help either.
The doctors, physical therapists and specialist that have seen me have pretty much done nothing for me. I am in the mindset that there is no hope for me, surgery isn't even something that I would even consider. That isn't even 100% and the chances of me injuring my back after a surgery is even greater! I just *try* all the time to watch what I am doing, but having a spoiled angel like Molly is very difficult. It's all because of the fact that she LOVES to get carried around like a little princess. I admit, it's all my fault. We do spoil her, especially me. I just hate seeing her throw the biggest fit when she comes to me to carry her and I tell her I can't because my back is out. She tries her hardest to attach herself to me. She does a particulary good job with Danny's legs, she attaches to them as if she were a little monkey climbing a tree.
I was in REALLY REALLY bad shape last nite I had trouble getting up. It also didn't help that Danny invited over a friend of ours to have dinner that I had to cook and clean some more, of course. I was probably the most exhausted I have ever been in my entire life, I wasn't a very happy camper either, I think I pissed off Danny pretty badly.
Okee,I think this is all for now. I'll try to write more later... if I could...Peash Out!
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Friday, October 4th, 2002
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I dunno what has been wrong with me lately, I just haven't had the right motivation to really write lately. I enjoy sitting here jotting down my thoughts and what not because it makes me feel good knowing that I can express myself without having to be criticized by people I *really* know. I mean only a few people in my offline world know about this little journal I have and it doesn't bother me that they do, it's just I have found myself in the past having the prescreen the contents of my ramblings. I guess it basically boils down to this: I am a pretty boring person and I lead a pretty monotonous life, pretty ordinary stuff.
I have been feeling pretty lousy the past couple days about myself. Wait a minute, it seems I feel pretty lousy about myself all the time! I am never really content with myself and how I look and feel. I feel this sense of blah about anything and everything about myself. I think as time passes by, I feel shittier and shittier each time, as is I could actually feel old age setting in. I dunno what it is, I can't seem to kick this feeling off.
I think it started last nite when I was chatting with my bud, Sashi that I started feeling like this again. I told him about my cousin who will prolly be moving here to Jacksonville for good. She is coming all the way from the Philippines. My mom and dad told me that she will be living with them for a while. Well as I was looking for pics to scan of her to show him and I stumbled upon a lot of my pics from 2 yrs ago. I think I looked so much better and felt so much better than I do now. I then looked at myself on the web cam and just felt like total and utter shit. I feel like I look like some kind of kind of bulging elephant. I felt hideously gross. I kept trying to turn my cam off but I think my bud, Sashi kept wanting me to turn it on. I think it was so that he could check out whether or not I was falling asleep on him..hehe
Can you tell that I am slighty depressed? Especially today. I mean my god, get this feeling off of me, someone. I wish that I had the ability to just sit here and take numerous pics of myself and make that as a journal entry, but what would people think. I mean Key was able to do that, but dang, the girl is already beautiful and men drool over the sight of her so she can do something like that.
I think I am just tired thus the funky mood that I am in...*sigh*
Well, Danny is looking into signing me, my sister in law, and himself up for a membership at a gym! I am kinda looking forward to that. I hope that is something that will make me feel a bit better about myself. I don't really feel like I do anything to better myself anymore and I think exercising is something that I think will help. I just need to be very motivated to have to stick to this. Danny and I sit here all the time and know that we have to work out and lose weight, waking up every morning with aching feet and an aching back every morning is not fun. I really need to do this because I really really need to shape up. I also think the fact that we are spending money each month on this membership will make me wanna stick with it, I wouldn't want to put $$ to waste. Wish me luck! Now I just hope that they would have some kind of daycare...hmm. That would be perfect.
Did I mention yet that Molly is the Supreme Spoiled One?? Yeah, she basically figured out before Danny and I that she was manipulating us. We were the suckers. She does this thing where she says that she is "Scared" because she knows that we will pick her up! Well, probably me more than Danny. She is 11/2 yrs old and the little girl likes to attach herself to my hip!! It gets so bad that she REFUSES to get down, if I put her down, she throws the biggest of biggest fits! She has this incredible knack of flipping her legs up so they don't touch the ground and suction cupping them to me. The little girl is AFRAID to WALK. She walks around the house and she walks around the stores and other places, but she won't walk outside the house, especially when she is coming from the car. I think part of her is traumatized. At least that is what my sis in law told me. I think it has to do with that one time Danny put her down after taking her out of her car seat and put her on the ground to walk. She took off like a bolt of lightning on her own to my parent's house. The outcome: Her forehead met the concrete for the very first time. So I sit here with a bad back, neck spasms, and a bad knee, struggling to keep her happy. She is so spoiled and I know it is my fault, but what can I say, she is my first child. So I dunno what else to do! She is getting too heavy! Help!
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Thursday, October 3rd, 2002
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I think I had an interesting nite's slept last nite. After Molly was put down to sleep at around 8:45, I walked into our room and sprawled out on the bed as I listened to her talking and singing on the baby monitor. She sounded too cute, but I knew she was really tired because she had just taken a 30 minute nap at my sister in law's yesterday, Molly usually talked 2 hours worth of napping.
I laid in bed thin inking that I was gonna get a tiny bit of shut eye and get up in like 15 minutes or so. The next time I woke up was at 1ish in the a.m. Danny had walked into our room and said some stuff. Me, being half asleep and half awake didn't know half the shiz I was saying or what Danny was saying. I just remember being really cranky and mumbling some gibberish to him. I do remember asking Danny why he had been staying up so late lately on the days that I end up falling asleep early. He told me that I had no idea of what he was doing and that I shouldn't jump on him. I was beat ass tired for goodness sake! I didn't know half of what I was talking to him about. I opened up my eyes and saw that he was cradling Flash in his arms, that's when I woke up. Danny proceeded to come towards the bed with Flash. I told him that the dog was not to sleep in bed with us and that he was too dirty. He walked away with Flash and told me that he was surprised that I had not waken up earlier with Flash and his yelping in pain all nite. Apparently Flash had been in very bad shape last nite and could not even lay down.
Sometime last week, when we had my brother come over, we noticed that Flash was yelping in pain as he ran and barked at the door at the same time. Danny quickly grabbed him and poked at him. He found nothing. I grabbed Flash and rechecked him myself and found nothing. After we had put Flash on the floor to run around he continued to yelp in pain. Then we noticed that he was arching his back, as if it was too painful to straighten it out. Danny took Flash to the Vet's office a couple of so later and they couldn't even find out what was wrong. The only way that they could actually find anything wrong would be to inject his spine with some kind of fluid to light it up so that it could be viewable thru an x-ray. That was gonna cost a pretty penny. Danny and I think that it is probably a slipped disc or a small fracture in his spine, sorta like me and my herniated discs that I have to live with. And that mug does not feel good at all. Everyday I feel pain. So Danny opted for meds, and lots of them for the little boy. The vet also told him that Flash had to restrict a lot of his movements, which meant no more chasing after the damn ball and running and jumping around the house like a dog on drugs. So all in all, it is pretty depressing seeing the poor little dog yelping in pain whenever he moves the wrong way. Poor thing.
After all that commotion last nite with Flash and Danny crawling into bed so late, I couldn't manage to get myself to sleep. I kept checking the clock to find out what in the hell the time was. 2:30, 4:30, 5:30.. oh shiz! Almost time for my ass to get up for work...UGH! So my nite's sleep was pretty whacked out. All I can say is that I am in a good mood today but I could definitely feel the lethargy setting in...slowly...
So I had with plans a couple friends to meet up with a really good friend of mine in Orlando. The chances of that japanning are pretty slim now. I have pretty much kinda lost touch with buds because I believe that they have forgotten about me, who the hell am I supposed to go with now? The funny thing is that Danny and I were kinda going to be taking "separate vacations".. not because we needed to get the hell away from each other, but for the mere fact that we didn't wanna have to leave Molly with someone overnite, not even family. We have taken her with us everywhere, she is our baby and I have yet to be away from her overnite. So the deal was that I would go to Orlando while Danny headed out to NYC to hang out with some friends and to watch some friggin basketball game. Now, does that at all sound fair? Hmm... But now that my plans may or may not happen, Danny tells me that his plans STILL remain. I was like, "WHAT??!@#!%@!?? What about me??" So now what?? I dunno. Blah! Anyone wanna go with me?
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Tuesday, October 1st, 2002
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I sit here trying to convince myself that I am NOT tired, I am NOT sleepy. I have been in a family good mood today. The drive to work was nice because I took my time as opposed to try to pass every car there is on the roads at 6 in the morning. That when it dawned on me. I am a pushover for when it comes to my sister, and I forgot how much of one I have been with her before. She is an adult now but part of me still babies her and makes sure that she is taken care of, but part of me also is bothered but something is holding me back from telling her to get off her ass, I think is because I don't want her to get mad and take things the wrong way.
My sis has basically lived with us for about a week now and I let it go for this long. She is basically living with us for FREE it seems. I don't even remembering us uttering the words FREE to her when offering her to stay over with us. She doesn't do anything to help around the house. I think for the most part I have seen her cook something small and I have seen her laying around the house because she was tired. Granted that she works strange hours at the hospital as a Unit Secretary and that those days are usually 12 hour days, but that is usually on Fridays and the weekends! The rest of the week, nothing gets done. She hasn't even gone back to my parents house to get the rest of her clothes, she has been using our water along with some of our clothes that she throws in with hers...all for what she thinks is FREE. I mean at least let us know that our laundry is in there. Don't leave it in there and get it all wrinkled up. She has yet to offer to buy groceries, she eats our food with no problem. I mean I don't mind it tremendously but it is starting to itch at me. I mean jeez.. at least offer to do something. She is my sister and we will support her, I just want her to do her share of responsibilities, somehow. I don't know why it is difficult for me to tell her that, I think it is because I don't want her to think that I am attacking her, which is basically what she thinks the rest of the family has done already anyways, plus she has been going thru a lot of crap, so I don't wanna be too harsh on her.
I don't understand my sister sometimes. She comes home really early in the morning, around 5, 6, 7 ish in the morning. She had just worked a 12 hour or so shift. She has a child that she needs to take care of. How does she get her sleep and take care of her son? She lays around in bed, falling in and out of sleep, letting her son run about til her husband comes home after his shift at 2:00 pm!! He works the days she works the nites. Well, she and her husband will not be together anymore. Things will change. I should talk abt that in another paragraph. So as soon as I got home yesterday from work, I had with my Molly and my nephew, Jordan, whom I take care of 3 times a week. My sister got home early in the morning from work and she had Donny with her. I guess that they will have to switch off on who will have him. She kept telling me a couple times that she didn't get to go to sleep from the time that she got home yet because he was at a new place again. I was starting to notice her getting really irritable and snappy at him so I stepped in and offered to take care of Donovan so that she could a little nap. So there I was with 3 kids. Whoa!! let's just say that it has inspired me NOT to have more than 2 kids. Little did I know that she wasn't gonna be up til 2 hours after she had told me to wake her up, (Which I did)
The kids were great yesterday. I had a lot of fun with them. I had them finger paint, which was a first for Donovan, so he had a blast. I ran around the house chasing after them while I attempted to tickle them, I even let them jump on the sofa cushions that I threw on the floor, it was funny how they kept saying Boing as they jumped, While Donovan said Oing. They loved it when I put chairs together and draped blankets over them just to make a tent. They especially gotta kick out of me pretending to be a bear charging at their tent. They had a lot of fun and I did as well, I kinda paid for it at the end of the nite when my neck and back gave out. You would think at the end of the nite that I would of ran out of energy, instead I couldn't get to sleep so I was up til 1:00 a.m.
I tried the best I could to get Donovan to do things differently around the house. Every time he would do something wrong I would pull him aside and talk to him about how to do something, as opposed to yelling at him constantly like my sister. I sat there and taught him how to say certain things instead of having to whine for something. He actually is a great kid. He just needs to be talked to, not yelled at. As long as my sis is living with us, I will try my best at trying to teach Donovan a lot of things. I am not there to change him, rather, I am there to better him. He will be 3 in November and a lot of what he does is a lot different compared to a lot of kids his age.
Today is the day that they are gonna do it. My sister and brother in law are basically done battling so now they are going to get the divorce final. The thing is that they are such young children. The way that they are doing it is filing for irreconcilable differences. They are going to draw up the appropriate paperwork. "Hey, it's only $20", my sister says! My fuckin god. She says it will be a clean break. In all honesty, with the bullshit that my brother in law has pulled I don't know if it will be as easy as she thinks it will be. My bro in law tried soo hard, he has basically has given up with trying to hold onto something that he didn't really have anymore, which was my sister. My sister is in the mindset that she is through. She has basically given up way before my bro in law has. It tears me up that it has come to this. I just wish that she would of tried harder. How could you have stuck with someone for 3 yrs and honestly be able to sit there and say that you never loved them? That basically means you wasted that many years of your life lying to yourself. All of this has been unfortunate. he person that is really getting affected here is my poor little nephew. It's a damn shame, all because his parents were too young when they had him and that they have also been very selfish, now they just wanna throw everything that they built together away, like none of it meant anything. One fact remains from all of that, they have their son. That right there should of been the source of inspiration to work hard at making it work. Somehow I wish that this didn't have to resolve to this. It depresses me thoroughly. I just wish that it didn't have to be like this.
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Sunday, September 29th, 2002
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| Time: | 10:29 am. |
| Mood: |  awake. | | Music: | Barney: Me and My Teddy..haha. |
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So once again, I am making a surprise Sunday entry. It is 10:45ish and I sit here in the study room with Molly next to me on her little blanket. She is flipping thru the little booklet that was in the cassette tape that we are listening to of her favorite character, Barney. She sat here singing, clapping, and dancing a lot of the songs that she knows. It's a really cute sight to see. I really need to get the video cam battery set up! There is so much that we are missing to capture on video!
I fell asleep with Molly next to me last nite. She got up in the middle of the nite screaming, she must of had a bad dream. So we ended up putting Molly in bed with me. I didn't realize that I fell asleep so quickly,I was pretty tired. The last I remember Danny waking me up around 2:30 in the morning telling me that he needed to get out of the house because he couldn't sleep. I think Danny was having an anxiety attack again. I think I even mumbled to him before he left if he wanted to talk about it. He laughed a bit and kissed me on the forehead. I then remember him crawling into bed around 5:30 this morning, thinking that he was out til then. i have yet to really talk to him about anything bec of the fact that he seemed so out of it. So this morning, Danny has been sleeping pretty soundly...well with the exception that I made him a late breakfast in bed, then he conked out again after that.
I don't know what it is about the whole anxiety attack thing that he goes thru. I always wish that there was something that I could do for him. But he always just tells me that he just needs to get out. His mother told me the same thing about Danny's father. He goes thru the same thing, the difference is that he is taking medication for it. I just worry that Danny' attack will get worse as he gets older. I wish there was something that could be done to prevent it all together. It frustrates me that I can't do anything.
We Danny did it yesterday, he bought Kingdom Hearts for the PS2 yesterday. I saw it on a commercial the other day and thought it looked really cool, plus the fact that it had the Disney characters on it. I love the way the game is, the graphics are damn cool and the cinematronics It very very cool. I haven't really sat down and really played,well once I did. Danny has been playing around more, I think he has more time than I do *shrug* Plus he is better at RPGs than I am. I never really was much of a gamer, espcially when it came to RPGs. I was always into the fighting games, which these days I don't really have the time to play. I think I know how to kick ass pretty good. Can't give away my strategies though..Hehe
I need to call up my doctor and have her clearly explain to me why the results to what she read to me about my bloodwork was different from what i read on the print out version of what she handed me. She sat there and pulled up my results thru the computer and read it to me. Told me everything looked great. And the one that I worried about was whether or not Danny had passed the Hepatitis Core Antibodies off to me. Not Hepatitis... just the antibodies, which isn't a life threatening thing. She told me that the results showed that i had been innoculated against sometime in my life so that is why it may show positive. When I drove off and had a little time to read my results at a stop light, I read that it was positive for me having the antibodies!! I was freakin! I know it is not detrimental, but it's just the fact that I would have to watch myself for a lot of things. I worry too much as is... I called up the next day since the clinic was closed by the time I realized, so I had to call them up the next day. I talked to this really bitchy nurse that was of no help. I wanted to wring her neck by pulling my hand thru the phone over to her. she was basically talking to me like I was some kind of imbecile. She told me that it showed up that I was positive for the Hep. B Antigens, not the Antibodies, meaning that I must of been vaccainated against it when I was younger. The nurse was a bitch to say the least. All I know is I know what I read. I asked the damn nurse to just go ahead and leave a message for my doctor since she wasn't in that day, hopefully the she could shine some light on some answers. I hope it was just a friggin typing error! I hate it when they do that...
Okay so I am writing this and hope that nobody gets the wrong idea. One time I remember being diagnosed with having some kind of sexually transmitted disease!! What The Eff, right?? The doc that diagnosed me was a damn resident.. it was like his 1st year, I think. The fugger sat there and told me what he thought then went ahead and had them do a test on me. I never heard from them, but since Iw orked at the clinic I had one of my co workers print me out my results to the test, it said it was
N E G A T I V E! So I sat there all that time thinking that I had something for about a week, crying and worrying, when in fact, it was NOTHING!!! It was nice of them to not inform me!! Let's just say that it felt good letting them hear me bitch at them. Fuggers!! Let's just say that was a pretty big scare they put on me.
Danny's up, he says he wasn't to get out and do something as a family. Afterall, he spent about 4 hours at work yesterday (on a Saturday, mind you) sitting waiting for a phone call from his higher ups to let him upload some shiz, all because they didn't have a program to do it, and that they didn't wanna spend precious $$ on it.. What a load of baloney, right?? Instead, danny has to spend 4 hrs of his weekend taht he shoudl be resting at work, waiting for a phone call?? Tell me why is it that the higher your position in your company, the dumber you are?? I mean, let the people below you run the company, right?? Sheez.
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Wednesday, September 25th, 2002
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I almost feel like I have been neglecting my poor little journal. I believe it is because I have what some people call "writer's block." The funny thing is that I don't really consider myself much of a writer, I think I am pretty lousy. But I'm not really here to write much of anything to impress anyone, I am here to just basically leave a type of update on myself and all the craziness that runs thru my life and my mind.
Poor little Molly was up every so often again last nite. She apparently caught the cold from my nephew, Jordan. She definitely wasn't herself yesterday, well part of the day she was. Danny and I went to bed and a hour or so later, Molly was up coughing and hacking up stuff. The cute thing is that she kept calling for Mommy then Daddy, then Mommy, then Daddy. She sounded horrible. I headed for her room to pick her up then Danny tells me not to get her because she stopped crying. We listened to her monitor and saw she had stopped. A couple hours later, she woke up again. Danny groggily jumped to his feet and walked out. I told Danny to just go ahead and let her sleep with us that nite. So there she was, a teddy bear(really a mouse) in one hand, and her blankie in the other. She continued to shuffled about all nite so I continued to get up and check on her, I continued to check the time to make sure that my alarm closk wouldn't go off to wake her. I woke up this morning and somehow Danny had transferred her to her own crib. There was a pillow flooded and soaked with Molly's drool next to me.
I felt like I didn't sleep too well last nite, it's as if I slept very lightly. I kept getting up last nite and seeing Danny sitting up or standing around. I would ask him if he was okay and would tell me that he couldn't sleep. He was constantly getting up and walking in and out of the room, I think he was having an anxiety attack. I think it was because it was too warm in the room and there were 3 of us on a queen size bed, possibly he felt cramped.
So I am pretty wide awake this morning and in a very good mood. The funny thing is that when I don't get enough sleep, I am usually cranky as hell. I woke up earlier than my alarm clock, I even ironed my clothes! WOW! I got to work with more than enough time and I didn't have to weave in and out of traffic at 70 mph to get to work on time. Just a nice smooth drive over here. Wait til later, I think this so called "energy" and good mood will prolly crash...*yawn*
So we did it, we managed it let my sister stay over at our place til things simmer down between my mom and her. All I can say is VERY VERY bad blood. There has been some ULTRA drama going on with her so she will be with us for a while. I have been talking to my brother in law about lot of the stuff that has been going on between them and he is not in very good shape. It really tears me up with a lot of the things that he says about her. I have never met anyone that has loved someone so deeply that they willing to do anything (well, besides Danny...hehe)He has been beating himself up over everything. My sister is just being cold. I think it is because deep down inside I belive that she is confused and does not know what she wants. She is only 22 yrs old and she really needs time to grow and realize what she really wants in life. She needs to take out all the obstacles that cloud her path to making things right. My whole family and I have all pretty much talked out every single word and letter out of oursleves to make my sister realize things. We have come to conclusion that she needs to do things for herself. Way too much drama, and beause of all of it I believe that I now have an stomach ulcer! UGH!
I don't think I will ever get my site up! UGH! Not enough time in a day for Danny and I to do this, plus there has just been too much going on. Eventually this muthafugga will be up. The question is when...*hmph*
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Saturday, September 21st, 2002
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Well I don't usually update my journal during the weekend, espcially at nite so this is kinda weird for me. Danny is out running his errands and Molly girl is asleep, I could hear the dogs barking outside and the other little dog that we are *dog sitting* is in her cage next to me chewing on a bone. So basically I am kinda bored. I Imed Arnold for a little bit and he responded and he is at work, and I kinda feel bad for bothering him. The dude seems like a real busy guy. So I will just kinda write here and kinda free flow and junk...
Today was kinda uneventful. Danny, Molly and I headed over to my parent's house to have my mom come with us to the Navy Exchange(a military store where things are tax free and cheaper). We were supposed to grab this one JVC 36" Flat screen TV today along with this totally smooth home entertainment center, but it didn't work out. The freaks told us that they didn't even have any of that sepcific model of TV in stock! Bastages! So we walked out of the store emty handed...I guess it's not that much of a priority, maybe next time.
Molly has been an amazing little girl today.. just totally amazing!! She has just been a very happy little girl and has been very silly and goofy and at the same time very obiedient today. She is a very quick learner and Danny and I are blessed with the fact that she is such a wonderful little girl and has such an intelligent mind. She knows part of her ABC's and part of her 123's and she is only 19 months old. She talks constantly and she repeats a lot of what we teach her. She has a great mind. She knows how to hold a pencil properly with her right hand, which she seems to favor. She LOVES to sing as well as dance all the time. Her favorite song would be this one song from Barney.. don't know the title but it has "Mr. Sun" in it. I sing to her all the time so I think she gets it from me, I like to sing but am too shy to sing in front of other ppl. She loves to go into her little library and grab a book that she wants me to read to her and plops her little booty onto my lap. She sits there and points at objects and names them correctly. My parents are amazed at how much Molly knows. I told them the secret is the fact that I have been talking to her constantly since she was 5 months old, and reading books helps a lot too. Anther major reason is the fact that she has her cousin Jordan around everyday, they play and talk to each other all the time. He will be 3 next month, on Halloween actually. He is a great little kid, a little on the whiny side but I can manage. The funny thing about him is that when my brother or sis in law come by to pick him up, he has been refusing to leave our house! Hehe! I guess he enjoys it too much at our place!
My sister is making me angrier with the stuff that my brother in law tells me she lied to us about, so I decided to back off from her and kinda ignore the fact that she is hard headed and just dumb. I don't normally call my sister negative names but in this case she is beinga complete idiot. She is making the wrong decisions and she will get shot in teh ass for this one... BAH! I need to take my miind off of this... Good thing Johnny and Arnold are keeping me entertained while Danny is out. They be funny!
Ah...I must go.. Danny just got back. He rented Kate and Leopold I hope it's as good as the previews. Goodnite!
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Friday, September 20th, 2002
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I think when I arrived here at work, I felt this sense of relief. It's not that I feel relieved that I have this job because I think everyone and their momma knows how much I hate this friggin job. What I simply mean that I was relived is the fact that I got to work in one piece. This is actually the first time in years that I have managed to do something on my way to work and that is to fall asleep at the wheel. I turned the AC on to full freeze blast and just let it blow against my face to kinda keep me up, that wasn't working. My eyes just continued to get heavy by the minute. I even remember shutting my eyes a few times. All that was NOT a good feeling. And still I sit here, all in one complete piece though, still doing the same thing. Jeez... I need some friggin coffee..
The last time I remember falling a asleep at the wheel was back in 1995. I was up all nite cramming for a test (unfortunately that has always been my style, I know... I suck), I only got 3 hours of sleep and thought that I could make it to my college campus with no problems. The result: I was in my very first car accident. I rear ended this fool that acted like he was all caring and understanding. He stood there comforting me as I stood there, all shaken up. I remember asking him over and over if he was okay, he even stood there with a big grin on his face,"I'm fine as long as I know you are okay. hey I'm alive, and the damage wasn't even too bad. What about you? Are you sure you are okay??" For that being my very first car accident, I thought he was being EXTREMELY nice. I distinctly remember looking at this one sticker on his car. It read, "God Loves You." Hmm... "A Christian dude, maybe he's an honest man", I thought...Little did I know I was gonna get slapped with a subpoena and law suit a couple months later...
All of it wouldn't have bothered me if I knew for a fact that he was a liar. My lawyer stacked up enough evidence against him to say that all he wasn't going thru crap like "Mental Anguish" and that that other bullshit he stated...WTF?? Months later my lawyers did some investigating and found out that the dude went into the ER for so called "back pain" about 6 days later. Sounded viable but when you throw in that he was in the ER once again the a couple days later because of an sprained wrist, then you know something is fishy. If the dude was having such "troubles" caused by me hitting him from behind, why was he out playing baseball with a group of other people?? That is how he sprained his wrist...And he has the nerve to sue me?? GOD DAMN FUGGER! He didn't win, my lawyer had too much on him and he dropped the case...what a total idiot.
I think I talk too much...
I haven't really had the chance to update as often as I used to because of work and other BS...I usually write when I first get here at work, but lately this big huge chick that works with me has been a pain in my ass. My supervisor is an idiot and has no sense of anything that we do and treats me like I don't know shit, when in fact I know that I am more knowledgeable than anybody in this department is. I work with a bunch of bunghole idiots that look to me to help them with shit yet, the supervisor has this mentality that if you are not as old and decrepit as her, then you are not as wise, she has this tendency to group all the 20 sumthins over here as being slackers and total retards, so I guess she throws me in that group as well...She is seriously screwed up in the head. And she has the nerve to write me up for piddly stuff (well I did blow up at someone that was a total imbecile, I admit that was wrong...I have never been driven to that point by anyone in a work place) , I have NEVER,EVER been WRITTEN UP for ANYTHING in my WHOLE FRIGGIN ENTIRE LIFE! Well, I don't think you can count Elementary school... I was real bad then. But anyways, my whole point is that the whole department is a team, you shouldn't have to single out who you *think* is more knowledgeable about thing just because they were on this earth a lot longer. I mean Jeez.. people here don't even know how to cut and paste shit.. Now that is just stupid. BAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Once again, I think I talk too much...
Molly had her appt yesterday and it looks as if she hasn't grown. She has even lost a little bit of weight, they say it is due to the fact that she is a lot more active at this age. The little girl cal run pretty fast. They say that for her height she is in the 25th percentile of kids her age.. meaning that she is tiny. Danny and I are a bit worried about her height since she is soo tiny, but then the doctor told us that it could be because both of the grandmothers are tiny women...Hopefully Molly will get taller as she gets older. It was hard to see the nurse giving Molly her immunizations though...It was heartbreaking, good thing Danny wasn't there or he would of taken snapshots and laffed everything off...He's a meanie.
There's sooo much going on with my life( IE:MY SISTER!!!!!!) that if I vent here I think I will just end up taking up the whole internet world...My sister wants a divorce from her husband of 3 years. UGH! I think I will just the hell out of her just to knock some sense into her!! She is driving me soo fuckin insane that I can't even get my work done! I feel like I am the mediator between her and her husband, I look at my brother in law and see how much he loves her just by the way he talks of her..He loves her with his whole entire being and she is BORED, wants to give up and is convinced that she doesn't love him and never has...WHAT THE FUCK!!!! How could you spend 3 years of your life stuck with someone you don't love?? Where the fuck is the sense in all that?? My sister... UGH!! Long story long story, but i think I shall keep it here. I don't think I will ever get any work done! AAAAAARRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I think this headache will never go away til
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Monday, September 16th, 2002
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I haven't been in much of a mood to write lately, I mean I know I used to write like every day(or at least try to). I don't think I have been in one of those depressed moods in the last couple or so days.. it's prolly more of an off and on kinda thing.
The weekend, I was pretty okay about things, I guess I kinda kept myself occupied with a lot of things around the house and all. The only thing that I can seriously complain about is that I have been INCREDIBLY tired!! Even when I get a full nite's sleep, in the morning I am still feeling like I didn't get enough. On top of that I keep getting these headaches. So I am thinking that it is my thyroids acting up again. UGH! And I missed the follow up appt they had scheduled for me to discuss the results of my tests. Plus I need to find out if Danny passed the antibodies off to me (hopefully not). I didn't know that they scheduled me an appt. soo soon! They sat there and must of drawn like 5 tube thingees of blood!! So I have to wait like another week to get the results, but if i didn't care about getting fired, I could pull up my own information, since I do work at the hospital where they have my results...hmmm... Prolly not. Plus I prolly wouldn't be able to read it anyway...Aha! But My mother can...hmm... I Guess I am not that desperate. I mean if I *really* was in that bad of a shape, they would of done whatever they could to schedule me an ASAP appt. I just hope that they didn't find anything fucked up about me in my results. Why am I always sooooooooo tired???
Well this morning I know why... Danny and I were up til like 1:00 in the morning working on my damn site that will prolly never really go "live"... I mean it is, but Eh... I'm really not feeling that it's me. I dunno how web designers can sit there and be patient about a lot of the stuff they throw together without being frustrated. Sometimes I sit here and wonder how Danny can stand being married to someone like me. Last nite I was just getting frustrated as hell and just wanted to give up and stop thinking of ideas..My head hurt and I wanted to go to sleep but then I wanted to stay up... I was all screwed up and tired basically. So Joc tired = Joc bitchy as fuck. Sometimes I wish that I had been born with such patience as Danny...I dunno how he does it. Even when he gets a few hours of sleep, he is tired but he is in a fairly good mood. Me in the other hand, if I get tried I immediately turn into this monster and bite people's heads off, well... Danny's. I hate the fact that I do know that I have my father's temper! UGH! I am glad that Danny and I are made for each other, I think it's the fact that we are total opposites of each other and we sorta in a weird twisted kinda way, we balance each other out..we complement each other.
This past weekend my mind was cleared of a lot of things. I came to a lot of self realizations that really helped me defog my always cloudy mind. It's like a huge weight was lifted off my back and now I can breathe. You know how you used to just sit there and think that you see things one way and believe that it is supposed to be that way, when in fact, it really isn't all that you created it in your mind to be. Am I being pretty vague right now? Probably. Let's just say that my priorities and how my mind had been working was all wrong, now I know what I must do.
I shot 2 rolls of film this weekend, one in B&W and one in color.. hopefully it all turns out. I really enjoy doing photography and am slowly getting in the swing of doing it more on a regular basis. Hopefully when the next term at the friggin college comes up, I think I will take a photography and a pottery class...Hmm...
I HATE MY JOB!!! I HAVE BEEN HERE TOO LONG!! 5 FRIGGIN YEARS!!!! UGH! I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE...
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Sunday, September 15th, 2002
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Danny and I were actually able to have our official date nite on Friday! We hadn't had time to ourselves in ages., so I was looking forward to it. We dropped off our little angel at my brother's place and went from there. All of a sudden, Danny gets a call. It's Homer <http://www.homergaines.com>our mutual friend... well, more Danny's best friend than anything. Danny looks over at me and asked," So is it cool?" I look over at him and make a face. He gets back on the phone and says, "Okay man, we'll meet you at Yoshi's on Southside". Then he goes off telling me that it won't be too bad anyways. I was like ,"OH..." So date nite sorta happened.. but there was another person that tagged along. Oh how nice. I was a bit bothered by it because I wanted it to be just Danny and I. But then again, it was nice hanging out with someone other than my close friends, Danny and Molly. Unlike Danny, I like people, I like interacting with people, Danny hates people and hates social gatherings, it makes him uncomfortable. All nite it was kinda funny bec Homer sat there and in Danny's face flirted with me. It was kinda like a *giggle giggle* thing for me. I think Danny was convinced that I ate up all of Homer's compliments and how he kept hitting on me.HAHAHA! It was cute how he kept calling me "beautiful"...Hehe *giggle giggle* It's nice to hear it from your SO, you know, but it just has a different effect when it comes from someone else, kind of hard to explain. Okay I sound all stupid now, I think it's bec it was a confidence boost for me is all, knowing that I have such a low outlook on myself, that is all...
I am proud to say that Danny McGuffin is now a full fledged University of North Florida student! YAY! I was happy but a little weirded out about that fact that they actually accepted a student like him.. with a GPA of unmentionable. He will finally have the opportunity to finish up his Bachelor's. He wants to be a History teacher and he is really looking forward to it. At least he has a dream and know what he wants to do and has taken that first step.
The other day I was really really bummed out about how life for me really sucked and how much I feel like an unaccomplished human being. My best friend V called and she and I talked for a while. I told her about how much I felt like total crap, funny thing because ever since she got back together with her bf, she has been in this bitch ass, telling ya the truth, keeping in real kick... Basically she somehow stopped the whole sugar coating deal and she beats the shit out of me when she talks to me about shit now. She tells me to stop feeling sorry for myself and to stop making excuses. I kinda hate that she kicks my ass now but I think once in a while I really need it. I know what I need to do, I think I', just in this friggin slump that I can't seem to get out of. After I got off the phone with V. I get a call from Danny and tell him the whole deal. He basically said the same shit. I was even more frustrated. On his way from work, he called me back and told me the good news abt him being a UNF student and that I had an appt next Friday with a counselor at the college that I quit going to....UGH! I guess he kicked me in the ass too...
I know I am really close to getting my A. A. I tried and tried and tried... towards the end I just gave up and got lazy. I hung around friends too much plus I had work... Basically I didn't care anymore. Sometimes I wish that I didn't screw up like I did, now I am paying for it and feeling pretty low about it. I mean jeez... I have 19 more credits to go before I get my damn 2 year degree. I think it is the fact that i do not like Jacksonville anymore and I feel like their schools here have nothing to offer. On top of that, I don't even know what the hell I wanna do as my career. I wanna be all sorts of things, I just have too much difficulty narrowing it down. I know I wanna work with music, television and photography.. then again, the computer networking deal interests me as well...I think when it comes down to it, I don't believe that I will ever be good enough in anything. That's the low self esteem talking. What I really need to look at my little girl and realize that I need to show her that her Mommy has an actual college degree and is in a career that she loves...right now, it's just tough. I think I am ready to venture off elsewhere to see what is out there. Jacksonville sucks and offers nothing anymore...BAH!!!
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Friday, September 13th, 2002
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An interesting test that Danny forwarded me to take when I had the chance, I swear none of it is all correct but Danny begged to differ. I don't think I am going to post my results up because peeps will think I am crazy...Let's just say that I am High on a lot of things...EEK! Schizoid, good thing I am not the other things, well...
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Thursday, September 12th, 2002
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Nothing really to write about as of now, perhaps later... just thought to post this song though that I have been listening to:
PUDDLE OF MUDD
"Blurry"
Everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl
You could be my someone
you could be my sea
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it my face
Everyone is changing
there's noone left that's real
to make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl
You could be my someone
you could be my sea
you know that i will save you
from all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
but that's not very far
[Chorus]
Nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway
[Chorus]
This pain you gave to me
You take it all
You take it all away...
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me
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Wednesday, September 11th, 2002
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I think I am going to have trouble with this entry. I debated about even posting today because I wouldn't know what to say... I feel almost speechless and frozen without words. Today is truly one of the saddest days in history and I sit here and know I am part of this history. It is has been a years since the attacks on America by the terrorist, and yet...I feel that America is at a standstill.
On my drive to work, I felt it was different, like something was wrong. The usual amount of cars weren't on the road and I practically flew into work with no problems. I only left 3 minutes earlier than I usually do. I could sense this intense sadness in the air, like people are just solemn. I sat there listening to the radio and hear snippets of things that were said by our "leaders" from a year ago. It almost made me tear up.
Danny and I sat there last nite and worked on some stuff and watched some TV as on TV from time to time. There was a special about 9/11 victims and their families and it was hosted by Tom Brokaw. It really tore me up having to see the victims families and how they were dealing with the loss of their loved ones. God, I hate watching shit like that. Danny looked over and me and snickered, "don't tell me you're crying!" How nice. The special showcased 4 different victims that went thru the attacks on the World trade Center, and one of them miraculously survived.
One was a firefighter that was supposed to head home to his wife of 8 yrs to celebrate their wedding anniversary,. he chose 9/11 a day of their wedding 8 years ago just so that he could easily remember their wedding day. He was a dedicated man and a hard worker, he seemed to have a passion for his job. He decided at a last minutes notice to head back on that fire to save lives, instead he lost his.
There was one story of a single mother who raised her son alone for a majority of his growing life. He only had her and she had him. She did all that she could to go thru the sacrifices of raising and providing for her child. She worked on the very upper portion of the WTC and did so with no complaints. The funny thing is that she also worked there when they made an attempt to attack it years ago. You would think that they would of done more to prevent it from happening again.
One guy was an all around family man. He worked at the WTC for many years and loved what he did. His family was one of his strengths in life and he was proud of every single one of them. His one daughter was about to graduate and he expected his 4th grandchild from his other child. Out of the 4 victims shown, he miraculously survived. He was actually stopped along the stairwell as we was heading down ward for safety, a plump woman stopped traffic apparently and told everyone not to go down, but to go up instead. A flood of people scurried upward the WTC while he decided to make a decision not to follow the herd. He took another stairwell where there was absolutely nobody there...All except for one guy, stuck under some
rubble. he shined the light on the man and lifted him up, together they ventured downward to the ground floor. His wife was at home, having just dropped the phone, thinking that she lost her husband. Minutes later she gets a call, "Honey, I'm okay! I'm okay!" I can only imagine what he experienced with all of his senses and how much it devastates him living and knowing that so many lives were lost and he was one of the lucky ones that lived. He wished that he could of saved more people.
There was one guy that had been married to his wife for about 32 years, they had no children but their passion and love for one another was unbelievable and strong. After that many years with just each, their passion and fire in their relationship still burned, and it burned strongly. I tore me up about this one because her husband called her up every so often the day of the attacks, when he could. She heard in the background the floors crumbling from underneath him...she knew it was time, a time for her to say goodbye to the love of her life. Fuck! I'm tearing up trying to write this...WTF! I knew this was going to be difficult. I really hate talking about depressing things, I try my hardest sometimes to avoid even thinking it.
I sit here right now, thoroughly depressed, thinking about all that those innocent people went through. It was supposed to just be a normal day for all of them. They went along their normal hustle and bustle lives in NY, one of the busiest cities in America, the people in the pentagon were busily working. The scariest part is trying to sit here and envison the innocent people on the planes just flying in the skies, anticipating the landing to their desination. Nobosy knew what was coming. None of that shit was supposed to happen to any of them. Thousand upon thousands of lives lost all because the people that were supposed to watch our backs failed to sit there and analyze all that happened previous to 9/11. Just seeing the first moment of impact The government knew, they know so much more than they let on to... they were justa bunch of fucking idiots that failed to sit there and do their jobs right. They sit there and think as long as
they are okay, that is all that mattered. They neglected to remember to inform all of the rest of the country about all that they knew so the consequences of a lot of their stupidity, innocent lives were lost...I hope they can sit on their asses today and forever and thoroughly beat themselves up over and over again that they let this all happen.
Tell me how it is that a religion can sit here and somehow teach that killing innocent people is okay??? Why is that this specific religion brain washes people into thinking that ? The last time I checked killing is a crime, it is also a sin in a lot of other religions. Sometimes I think religion is misunderstood. A lot of it is all misinterpreted and twisted. But in the root of all this.. religion is what caused all of those idiots to think that they are doing a just cause for their country. HOW DOES KILLING JUSTIFY ANYTHING? So they are looked upon as fuckin martyrs.. they died for a fuckin cause! Tell me then what was the cause of all those innocent lives were taken away from their families and loved ones??
Why is it that people are just ridiculous sometimes?? I mean I look around and see all these friggin patriotic signs,flags,etc flying around,pasted on cars, all over the freakin place. I understand the whole Patriotism and being united and all that jazz, but when it comes down to it, shouldn't we as Americans have done that all along?? Shouldn't we have been proud of the fact that that WE ARE AMERICANS and WE ARE AMERICA?? Why did it have to take such a catastrophic event to open these people's eyes? Sometimes I think a lot of these people do it for show and that this is just some kind of fuckin fad, just like what happened with the whole Desert Storm thing, remember that? People were showing their patriotism and that they were "Proud to be an American" Blah blah blah, whatever. How long did that last? Not very long if you ask me.
I sit here and see all that happened and fear for the future and what it holds. I look over at Molly all the time and smile I look into her eyes and see how beautiful she is and how much I love her so, yet are worried beyond belief for what kind of future she will be living once Danny and I are not on this earth anymore. It is unsure and frightening, I worry soo much about Molly's future. It tears me up thinking that. One time I didn't believe that it was right for Danny and I to create a child together and have them live today all because this downward whirlwind of a future that the world is going thru. Now I don't regret it, it's just all this uncertainty that lies in the future and I wish that I could sit here and think that the future will be brighter.
I wish I could say something magical that could makes things better for everyone. I guess this sense of sadness in the air remains...Let us just not forget all the lives lost in this devastating event in history.
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Tuesday, September 10th, 2002
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Why can't I start this damn entry without anything catchy or attention grabbing? Oh hell, I will just type out whatever crap flows out of my head.
This sucks beyond belief... I used to go into work and just start on my journal entry but now that my friggin co worker that works along side of me is friggin here now at 6:30 like me on certain days, I have to *look* busy and try to prevent her from hogging all the work. I hate working with her sometimes, i think it's because she is 20 sumthing years older than I am. Not that there is wrong with older people, she is just a bit on the crotchety side, even though she has yet to hit 50. So now I have to sit here and do this whole stop and go action, just to get my thoughts down on here... What a bitch it is.
I think Zoltanhas rubbed off on me once again. I think I have been doing pretty good at trying not curse on here unless it's appropriate, but after chatting with him yesterday about stuff, it's all coming back again. Thanks a lot, Z! Hehe, Just kidding. I think it is when I am around people that I am comfortable cussing with, I do it. It kinda sticks with me. I guess it's just one of my habits that I need to work on breaking. It was cool that Zoltan was there to kinda lend me his ears..err.. online it would be his eyes...It just sucked because the friggin bellsouth people(our suck ass phone carrier) decided to mess with our lines! So I wasn't able to do anything online at home.. I HATE BELLSOUTH! And I hate the fact that They are the only phone carriers around here!
I believe that I am in a much better mood this morning. I think all of that stuff that I was going thru was due to me being incredibly tired and just listless. I think my head hurt from thinking too much. I actually slept well last nite so I feel a bit more vibrant than usual. I hate the fact that I was the way that I was. I was depressed and very snappy with Danny...I hate that shit. It's not his fault that I felt the way that I did. Danny has just been the greatest. He is annoying from time to time, but he knows when I need space, he gives it to me...I'll come around, I just need time.
It was actually nice last nite, Danny, Molly and I sat and spent some quality TV time together, it was close to Molly's bedtime anyways, so we let her watch a little TV. Just me, Danny and Molly on the couch together, being a family. It was nice. Man, I haven't watched a lot of TV lately. We watched this really stupidly funny movie, Bubble Boy. We sat there and cracked up, Molly sat there and kept pointing at things that she recognized. It's funny because she kept calling the little dude (Verne Troyer.aka Mini Me) a Baby...She kept saying," Beebee" as she would giggle and point. She was too cute. Like I said it was kinda stupid and kinda funny...I liked how cute the ending was.
Oh, Danny was nice enough to help me do another comp for my website. I dunno, I like how the other one looks, it's cool and all, it's just a bit on the too damn cutesy side. I feel like some kind of kid. I mean I do love all that cutesy littleSanrio stuff and have since I was in Japan, but still I dunno... So we are trying out another comp to see how that goes.. I umm...Danny is the bomb.
I heard from my buddy Sashi today, he sounds like he is having lots of fun. I just miss my buddy though. I wish I could go.. I actually have been wanting to go back for so many years, it's just too expensive! I lived in Japan with the rest of my family soo many years ago...1987 was the last time we were there! We lived there for about 8 years and I loved it there so much. We lived in Yokohama then Yokosuka, where my younger sis was born. I think I was just in love with the whole japanese pop culture and everything else that came along with it. All of it was just too damn cool. Hopefully I will be able to go next year. I have mentioned it to Danny... and he told me that he has absolutely no interest in going there. So I talked to my mom and she and I have talked about going back together. My uncle, who is in the air force got stationed in Misawa and hopefully we could crash with him for a little bit. Yeah.. that would be cool.. going back top Japan, just gotta talk it over with the hubby and if he gives me the OK, I should start saving up....
So the doc gave Danny some meds for the inflamamtion of his toes, which was gout. And that pretty much made him a bit on the whoozy side. The doc even told him that he needed to lose like 15 lbs super quick, which to me is a crock of shit. So basically Danny did nothing but drink health shakes all day. When Dinner time came, he was soo out of it that I forced him to eat... good thing I had popped frozen pizza in the oven. Afterwards, I think Danny was a lot better. Poor guy has been thru way too much and he is only 30... damn.. kinda scary to sit here and think how much more I will fall apart in a few years or so. I know I am falling apart already, at the age of 26, how much worse will I get?? Jeez...
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jaycee214's journal
tired.
sad.
drunk.
discontent.
energetic.
angry.
content.
crazy.
depressed.
okay.